Going, Going, Ghana!

So far, we've gone through Guinea, Sierra Leone, Guinea again, Cote D'Ivoire, and now we've reached GHANA, the land of plenty-- of tourists. Despite feeling way less badass, we are loving all that Ghana has to offer. Highlights so far include:

1. Not getting asked for a bribe at the border! First time in the entire trip! They checked EVERYONE"S papers, not just the whites' and it was the most organized crossing we've ever had!
2. Green Turtle Lodge in Dixcove. Backpacker paradise on the ebach, complete with a giant boat-bar, happy hour when it rains, ping pong, pool table, lots of other games, young people, and a fun camp feel. Although, as excited as I was at first to see other white poeple, it got kind of old.
3. Dixcove's crazy riptide. I was trying to converse with a fellow expat while out in the water. He dove neatly under each wave and continued easily wherever he'd left off. I however, was trying to look as cool as possible while recovering from some washing machine tumbles, coming up spluttering and readjusting my ill-fitted bathing suit.
4. Cape Coast-- got in just in time to see the Ghana vs. Aussie match. They DOMINATED, but it still unfortunately ended only in a tie. (We are about to watch the Ghana vs. Germany match in a bus station. I have a sweet patriotic hat and SNAP BRACELET and Booboo has a headband/sash.)
5. Ice cream venders on bicylces. What a wonderful world.
6. English language bookstores! Almost better than food!
7. Street food: red-red, fried chicken, fufu, fish, octopus, popcorn... the best street food yet!
8. Kakum Park: the canopy walkways are quite cool. The views are absolutely gorgeous and it's an incredibly enjoyable experience being up so high but still completely safe. I have to admit I had a bit of a superiority complex come in when the other people on our tour were freaking out a little. I personally felt disappointed by how completely unscary it was-- couldn't even raise my pulse! So I was rolling my eyes at the other peoples' squeals and at the "I survived the Walkway" tee-shirts. Come on! There's a huge sturdy safety net encompassing every bridge, sturdy fenced-in railings, and the walkway is so secure, they say it could take the weight of an elephant! These people should try carrying their bikes over the bridge to Ingli! (Which, it should be noted, I myself was too scared to do-- thanks, Matt and Jordan!) So, very immaturely, I danced across the bridges and boycotted the railings. (Mother, I can hear your gasping protests from here... Sorrrry!)


9. We were going to camp in the "platforms among the trees" but it ended up being kind of a rip-off to camp a foot off the ground in a closed-up park. The flight crew from our tour somehow rejected our charming plea for a ride out, but karma may have had its way with them later. Their and our destination, Accra, was unreachable. The two bridges were washed out completely by the floods. It was crazy. So far, I've heard 35 people died from it all. But when our tro-tro hit the traffic jam at the river, we didn't know any of that. The car emptied out and the other passengers walked about a mile through stopped-up taffic to cross the rushing waters by foot. We hung around for a while, hoping for a refund for the other half of the trip. When it was clear our driver was nowhere around, we hoisted our bags (I HATE MY BAKCPACK) and set out after the others. Most people stayed in their cars and gaped as we passed them. If they were in a high-engine car, some could brave it eventually, but the others had to turn back. As we finally got to the water ourselves, the offers of, "I carry your bags across just two ceedis!" increased exponentially. I pulled up my pant legs and we took off our flip flops to wade through. Booboo was a bit nervous about the dirty water, but I already have schisto. I've also waded through many many many dirty waters in Senegal, sometimes up to my chin with my backpack on my head or my bike on my shoulder, so this didn't really phase me. It was more fun, if anything. With the miles of stuck cars and fellow barefoot waders, there was a great feeling of community. We laughed and waved and shook our heads as we passed each other. Everyone had their arms around each other and helds held to steady one another in the current. I had Billy Joel's "And we will all go down together" song in my head, though of course I was trying to change it from "go down" to "cross over safetly". It was sweet, really.

Booboo was a bit nervous at the second and deeper section. We paused and while a group of guys and I tried to give her a pep-talk, a truck with a long empty flatbed splashed through. We all cheered and clambored on (I was completely ungraceful scrambling from the tire and over the ledge with my huge backpack pulling me like a magnet back towards the ground). It was a great ride with 10 other grinning guys. The wind pipi longstocking-ed my hair, but it was still a great way to see the place.

10. The best part of the ride came from a guy who was creepily filming us with his camera phone. Usually I try to step away from these, but since I couldn't on the truck, he got a film of me boringly sitting there. Booboo, however, was completely oblivious of his camera work and he got a FANTASTIC one of her shoving plantain chips very unattractively into her mouth. I'm laughing just writing it. She was truly and gruesomely Stuffing Her Face, and joke's on him if he wanted some hot video of the white chicks he rode with! He showed us these videos on the tro-tro we shared to get to the same neighborhood in Accra. We cracked up until I had tears streaming down my face. One time Booboo took MB and me to an Angels game and we watched this lady i front of us more than the game. She was sucking all the salt off her unshelled peanuts at a frantic pace with a specific process to it. We and about 6 other people stared fascinated at her as she did this and dropped the whole unshelled peanuts on the ground. This strange behavior in addition to her ridiculously 45 degree angle penciled-in eyebrows inspired all of us to snap photos and videos of her while the less interesting game continued in the background. I share this warm memory with all of you because my theory is that, in Ghana, at least, BOOBOO IS THE PEANUT LADY! This video is the greatest part of my trip so far.
11. Accra: we are staying at "The Beverly Hills Hotel." Except that this Beverly hills has a boatload of cockroaches and replaced the shower in the middle of our stay so we couldn't use it. I'd still recommend it though-- just don't buy the 3 ceedi nescafe!
12. Touristy things: markets, art gallery, Cape Coast Castle (complete with Obama plaque), Sunday church services, lighthouse...
13. Sign advertising "Emergency Ambulence/ Hearse Services!" I'd count on them for the second thing only!

Well with that, we've still got half of Ghana to go! Stay tuned! (By the way is anyone reading this? I feel kind of stupid if I'm writing to next to no one.. Could you comment if you're reading?)

Woman Enters Man...

Since we didn't have Liberian visas, Booboo and I decided to go back through the forest region of Guinea, on the Most Gorgeous Roads of our collective lives and enter Cote D'Ivoire on the west, in the region called Man. The more we learned about the rebel strong-hold there, the more nervous we became about having to deal with that when every single border control officer was already demanding bribes. The others weren't so bad: in Sierra Leone, they suggested giving an additional sum, although they didn't recquire it. Ha! The second time back in Guinea, the small soft-spoken Very Pulaar man said, "Wait but you have to pay us!" I got little farther in my speech beyond, "No we don't!" before he settled back with a little giggle and said, "Okaaaay." Bless the pulaars.

On the way out of Guinea, we literally woke up some guards who quickly tried to look as important and professional as they could, while wiping the sleep from their eyes. My favorite part was when the "security officer" said in english that he should really check our bags, otherwise how would he know what's in them? Booboo said, "I just told you!" in a petulent 8 year old voice. Then the best part: she fist pumped to the said, and in the way that you'd hiss, "Yessss!" she said, "Trust!" I bit my lip to keeo from busting out laughing and tried to solemnly nod along instead. They all let us go with their phone numbers.

It wasn't quite so funny in Cote D'Ivoire. Our reservations were not unfounded. The rebel soldiers were all high on power trips and carrying their guns showily everywhere. (Ahh, compensation.) The plan Booboo and I decided on beforehand was that I didn't speak french well-- only pulaar and english. My goal was to channel Reece Witherspoon from Legally Blonde, but less annoyingly. So we smiled and said, "What???" a lot, and giggled. At one point I was having trouble summoning a credible giggle (since I actually understood the lewd things they were saying), so I literally said out loud in english, "Giggle....!" and the ridiculousness of that in turn got a few good ones out of each of us.

At the first post, the men were all over us and it wasn't too hard to be legally blonde until they were tired of asking for money. We accepted banana cookies and nodded a lot and shook everyone's hand and didn't say or "understand" much more beyond answering our destination and saying, "touristes!" The other guys in our car with whom I'd talked to a bit must have been suspicious, but they didn't rat me out.

The next one was the worst. A camo-clad guy on the back of a moto demanded my passport and shouted about it not being stamped. So we had to leave all our bags and our arguments with the massa bus people and trudge over to the gendarmerie.

I said, "Assala Malykum" and the leader rebel soldier answered, "But I'm Christian! How dare you greet me like that!" and his underlings cackled. I tried not to roll my eyes and said, "Well then greetings under the eyes of god..."

Oops! First Legally Blonde slip! I quickly stuttered some unintelligable ameri-french, but his eyes were narrowed. So we began our worst exchange with the rebel soldiers. This guy was ridiculous, not used to ever hearing "no," and a fan of playing with his gun.

The rest of my L.B. performance should win me an Oscar, if I do say so myself. Things went mostly like this:

Rebel Leader: "I don't care that you have your rubbish visa! It doesn't matter here! This is a war-zone and now you need to answer to us. We don't work with that embassy, so now you must pay us too! It's the only way!"

Me: "Yes... visa?... we have... no to-pay..."

The guys were all quite scary and prone to shouting and on the inside my heart was racing and I kept having to swallow. On the outside, I did my best to maintain the same L.B. placid expression. I concentrated on appropriately balancing my three weapons: stupidity, charming feminine wiles, and the side of justice. Mostly the first two.

When things fell too much on the last point, "You... here... to live?... is good?" + smile + small giggle. Woo, back in balance.

When we still weren't paying, he brought in a "translater." Luckily his english was almost as bad as my fake french. I batted my eyelashes at him. (Who knew people could successfully bat eyelashes outside of loony toons? But, YOU CAN.)

After a very long and tiring interrogation; I finally stammered that we didn't even have enough CFA to give them-- just enough for the bus that was waiting for us! This was not far from the truth. I asked them if there were banks and hotels in Man. The mood wasn't at all set for this touristy question, but I wanted to blatently ignore the mood and make them feel in some sort of authority still.

They finally let us go after getting our numbers and giving us theirs. (They wouldn't have rested otherwise-- with all the other soldiers bound to ask them what they got out of us, they needed to be able to show off something.) Of all the preposterous ideas, though. Like I'm really going to call up some power-tripping jerk and try to have another terrifying conversation with him? What are they thinking? I almost can't wait for them to call my American cell phone while I'm in line at Starbucks or something. I'll say to the cashier, "Hold on, it's a corrupt rebel soldier leader in Cote D'Ivoire... just a second... but I'll have a cappucino..."

There were many more soldier checkpoints after this and over and over we took out our passports, refused bribe demands, summoned fake smiles, and took peoples' numbers. If we weren't young women, I honestly don't think we could have ever gotten through all those with any money left. But instead of feeling celebratory about it, our terror kept growing. On the road, every spotted outfit and farming machete slung over regular peoples' shoulders looked like camo-clad soldiers with guns. Over and over, our hearts hammered from the psychological mirage. When we finally got into a hotel room and locked the door, we hugged each other and tried to laugh. But all night our terror still reigned and we both had camo-clad nightmares.

This experience has given me a new respect for people who go through battles and war. If we were so affected by a single day without even any true threat of being killed, I truly can't imagine what it's like for soldiers or the civilians caught among them. At the same time, I feel like I hate the concept of soldiers more than ever. I know so many poeple becomesoldiers, but I really think it's hard to impossible for this to not negatively affect them. The uniforms, the guns, the power, the separation from "regular people", the tangled responsibilities of following any order and dismissing previous independent philosophies of what's right and what's wrong. What else but these philosophies makes us humans?

I hope I'm not offending anyone by this. I know it's a sensative subject to criticize a practice for which so many of our loved ones have died. But I mean to criticize the system that killed or broke them, not the original people who enter into it.

Anyway, being on the side of the somewhat hunted, I began to wonder what exactly the differences were between rebel army occupation of northern Cote D'Ivoire and American army occupation elseware. I know we're more organized, with at least some official systems in place for answering for your actions. And we have fancier equipment and sweeter rides. But in how many people's nightmares do our American soldiers feature?

To end lightly, I'll share a bizarrely coincidental message from the fates: As I wearily settled back into my half-seat on the bus after yet another check-point, I was starting to doubt the way I was dealing with it all. Suddenly, a moto comes by, and in pink letters on the driver's shirt says: LEGALLY BLONDE. If that's not a sign that it'll all be okay, I don't know what is!

How to Take Roads Less Travelled: West African Public Transport

1. Play dumb. It's easy. You won't often understand what's going on anyway, even if you are fluent in the language. Stand around with your pathetically confused expression until someone has pity on you and takes your bags and gestures you to the front seat. If no one does (for shame!), point to it yourself and batt your eyelashes. No, it's not fair, but you just think about all the hissing and catcalls and grabbing on the street and then decide whether or not you deserve a few toubab perks after that!

2. Beware of the front middle seat. I took this in a tight skirt (flowered one from you, MB) and it was rather too much excitment for me. As they instructed me to get in, I just stared at the non-seat before the gear-shift and I had no idea how this would work. Then a guy grabbed my thigh to pull it over to the driver's side. I slapped him off my bare skin and said I got it! So I sat with one leg pressed up against the driver's and the other awkwardly straddling to the passenger seat which was pretty full already with Booboo and the bony old man who kept diggin his elbow into her. My skirt became extremely short in this position which ended up mattering because the gear shift was IN MY CROTCH. I put a water bottle against my goods to act as a barrier. The driver was annoyed to keep hitting it when he shifted, so he threw it aside at one point. But I insisted. So the whole trip involved my thighs getting groped and my crotch getting knocked. When I'd try to move my knee aside a little to give him space to shift with less contact, it would get wedged under the wheel and prevent all steering. So, groping it was. The keys also fell out a few times (which doesn't stop the car because it's hotwired anyway) and he had to feel blindly around ly entire bare leg to find them on my toes.

Remarkably, the driver was impressively professional about it all. I guess that's a common occupational situation, but for a very muslim country with more headscarves that I'd seen in Senegal and even some full out hijabs, I felt like a complete 'tute. I waited for him to linger on my thighs or do some less-necessary shifting but he actually remained quite focused. Still, I do not ever want to be in that seat again-- at least not without pants!

3.Get ready to have your style--not to mention body-- cramped. What I thought was a cramped sept-place (taxi-sized peugeot with 7 official spots) ride in Senegal becomes at the Very Least a neuf-place in Guinea and beyond. They don't have seat ratio laws, so they pack it in like I had no idea was possible. The driver shares his seat. Three or four adults can sit next to him (one straddling the middle) with at least as many kids. The three seats in the back and way back may hold double their numbers, plus kids on laps/ floors/ partly standing. I have seen up to eight people sitting on the roof and have no doubt that more is not rare. So one taxi= 8 seats (including driver's) = give or take 20 people. It's INSANE. The same applies for any vehicle. In our Guinea pick-up, over 20 passengers had to spill out of the back over and over to walk up the hills all throughout the night because the truck couldn't bear them. Expect elbows/ shoulders/ hips/ etc to dig into you. Expect to wear the scents of multiple people's sweat by the end. Try to avoid armpits.

4.If you feel nauseus... (which is more than likely due to the off-roading, smells, heat...) it is generally expected that you will vomit neatly into your own handbag or lap. It is a good rule.

5. If someone misses a bit and gets some vomit on you or baby pee/poo, don't freak out. They will feel bad and offer you water or a cloth. C'est la vie, and you're not clean anyway.

6. If there is frozen meat or live animals on the roof, be wary of window seats. On long trips, the meat will unfreeze and rain blood down the windows, horror-movie style. It will splatter through an open window, but closing the window makes it stiffling inside. The animals will pee and poo, but at least this is a limited number of times. People in the middle usually escape unscathed.

7. Otherwise, window seats are KEY. Sometimes the wind is strong, but keep it down as a courtesy to the poor unfortunate souls behind you.

8. Window crankers in their entirity are rare, but don't let that stop your ventillation ambitions! The driver will usually have a wrench or some other way of jerry-rigging it down.

9. Bring a scarf or bandana. If you have long hair like me, it will whip visciously into the face of your more-or-mess innocent neighbor in strong winds, if you don't wrap it up. More often, you might need it to wrap around as a dust mask in every season but rainy season. The dust can be an undefiable force-- it has covered my whole face red when I've worn a scarf ghost-sheet style! Also, scarves are handy for wipes, make-do pillos, and sweat rags.

10. Bring also on your lap instead of stored up on roof: water (for drinking and bush-sh*ts), zippered-up valuables (you could be pick-pocketed in your sleep, even though it's rare), book (even if you get car-sick while in motion, you'll want it when you break down), sunblock for your window-side (but try not to sit on this side! calculate ahead of time!), change for peanuts/ fruit/ biscuits/ eyc sold through windows, and needless to say, your sense of humor! So your driver may be an ***, but he'll be a lot easier to bear if you can successfully convince him (and the entire sept/ neuf-place, thank you very much) that YOU are the girl in the ever popular Madonna (singer) sticker. (My story is that's why I'm in Africa-- to tour and promote my cool sticker!)

11. Bed or bruise. On overnight rides, like our one from Kédougou to Labé (24.5 hours, they will pull over for about a three hour nap. This is why everyone else will have brought matts to sleep on. I had only my thin sleeping bag, but we zonked outn EASILY anyway. It was only in the morning did we process the intense discomfort of sleeping almost directly on a bed of rocks. "Princess and the Pointy Pebbles" I muttered as we groaned, shifting around our bruises as goats sniffed our toes.

12. If you get food, share it with everyone around you, and the driver. If there are 20 people behind you, it's okay to just stick to your own row. It's good to get other passengers on your side because you'll be the main target for cheating/ lying/ taking general advantage of. Be more selfish with your water. I shared mine with a woman and her toddler on the way to Guinea, but should have held on to it when the guys over the popped hood asked for it. they ended up dumping all the rest into the engine and then took my bottle to fill with gasoline! Which I stole back in the end, not realizing it was clear "essance." Payback...?

13. Get ready to ride the rage. The worst representatives of every one of these countries are the ones at airports/ garages/ other transit stations. Here, everyone will try to cheat you because they assume all white people have more money than they know what to do with. My blood has never boiled as it has in garages. Examples from this trip:

Over breakfast at a Guinea garage, a particularly crude oaf graced me with his disgusting presence. First, he asked for his present. Nothing new; I asked for mine. He said it was in his room, and continued down this vein more graphically than I may have ever heard, at least in pulaar! I told him our conversation was over-- several times. I ignored him. I asked him to leave. He was loving it. I threw his sunglasses several yards away, impulsively. He still grinned lesdly. I finally got up and expressionlessly grabbed the huge knife the cooks were using to cut bread. The boys scattered and laughed nervously. I sat down with the knife and he decided to leave for good. I explained to Booboo what was happening and breezily said, "First death threat of the day and I haven't even had breakfast yet!"

My second, third, and forth death threats were granted to a driver. He kept demanding that I pay for empty seats when people got out so he wouldn't have to fill them (as if they aren't really already "filled"). He did not stop, even when I scolded him for his rudeness and incorrect assumption that I'm rolling in it. I told him in english that I'd slit his throat, which is a gratifying method of feeling better without the person understanding the horrible thing you just said. When he still didn't stop, I said it again-- this time with CLEAR hand motions. I also acted out choking him from behind. He got better after that...

14. Obey the law, not the law officers. In Senegal, they're usually OK, except when they want extra cash before the holidays and will invent bogus fines and i.d. card checks. (Ask Jared about his arrests°. In Guinea, they suck a lot more. They held our passports for ransom, basically. When a guy who spoke english tried to coax me to pay up, I unleashed the wrath that I can't quite correctly unleash in pulaar. I berated him for breaking the law when it was his primary job to uphold and defend it. I would not ever pay a bribe to him or his evil cohorts because we already bought the visa. He could make ur whole car wait all day (gesture to woman and two infants), but that's still that. I was inwardly quite impressed with my little speech. I guess once the english started, and I realized exactly and correctly how I wanted to respond, I couldn't hold back. He let us go. And asked for our numbers. I wanted to spit on them as we left, especially one who condescendingly taunted our backs, but I settled, thankfully, for a Very Dirty Look.

This happened way more in Cote D'Ivoire, but see the next post for details of that.

Often, the gendarmes are comically ridiculous and you can see so clearly how they just wanted the job so they could wear the uniform. When we first checked into Guinea, by a guy in a "Xena: Warrior Princess" tee-shirt, another passenger came in to get water. A guard stopped him. "Are you military?" Nooo... "Then where did you get those boots?" Sure enough the mere civilian was sporting the same boots as the grandly powerful border control gendarme. "I bought them in the market..." The gendarme was extremely put out. He and his coworkers sported a variety of official-wear themselves-- one just had the hat. Another had flipflops, but most wore the same black boots. The guy looked betrayed, as if he were thinking he could have skipped all the training and long hours and just bought the beautiful boots, the prize and point of his occupation-- at the market! He made quite a fuss and demanded the guy take them off. I guess eventually it blew over, because Mr. Boots later got back into the car, rolling his eyes, adorned still in his boots.

15. Figure out what everyone else is paying for their bags and argue adamently for the same. In Senegal it's around 500 CFA, sometimes less. Guinea: Nothing. Sierra Leone: sporadic-- nothing to a mille. Cote D'Ivoire: Nothing, but that doesn't mean they won't try. I have yet to see about the others.

16. If you can get your hands on any old cassette tape even partially bearable, you might want to bring it to gift one of your drivers. A lot of drivers have just a single tape which they have no problem replaying 30 times. Even if you started out liking Akon or Youssou or Celine, IT GETS OLD.

17. Motos: don't wear tight skirts-- they rip (yours again, MB! but I sewed it back up). Hold on- best not around driver's waist because he'll be in love with you enough as it is already. Find a bar beneath or behind your seat. Careful with your baggage. I had a mosquito net explode like a party cracker out in the middle of the road, which made driving a bit tricky... Don't be afraid to ask your driver to slow down-- they often try to show off for you until you do. That said, moto rides in West Africa are excellent! You can see so much and pass all the cars getting stuck in ditches, and not dye pedelling yourself on your own bike. It's fantastic. The best and most beautiful rides of my life have been on motos in Guinea.

18. Tips from Booboo: "Focus on the scenery and not on your situation. Become a very creative daydreamer. Take comfort in the knowledge that those giant beads of sweat will cool you when the wind blows by. Acceptingly settle into your uncomfortableness with the knowledge that it will end... eventually."

Bon, donc maintenent: BON VOYAGE!